very funny

  1. Pet Diaries

    martie 31, 2008 by Andrei Sălăgean

    Excerpts from a Dog’s Diary

    * 8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
    * 9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
    * 9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
    * 10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
    * 12:00 pm – Lunch! My favorite thing!* 1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
    * 3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
    * 5:00 pm – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
    * 7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
    * 8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
    * 11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

    Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary

    Day 983 of my captivity.
    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
    They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
    In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
    Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a „good little hunter” I am. Bastards!
    There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of „allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
    Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow –but at the top of the stairs.
    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
    The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
    The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now . . .

  2. Drunk Irish

    martie 28, 2008 by Andrei Sălăgean

    A bar is empty except for two patrons. One of them staggers over to the other and says, „How’s it going? Where you from?”
    The other guy says „Ireland.”
    The first drunk says „That’s cool! I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have a round for Ireland!” They both drink merrily.
    Then the first guy says „So where in Ireland are you from?”
    „Dublin? Awesome! I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another round for Dublin!” Once again, they both drink merrily.
    Then the first guy asks, „So where did you go to school?”
    „St. Mary’s, class of ’62” answers the other guy.
    „Incredible! I graduated in ’62 from St. Mary’s, too! Let’s have a round for St. Mary’s!” Once again, they suck down another round.
    Just then, one of the bar regulars walks in and sits at the bar. He asks the bartender, „So what’s going on today?”
    The bartender answers, „Nothing… The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”

  3. Vremea asta

    martie 27, 2008 by Andrei Sălăgean

    Incalzirea asta globala se face din ce in ce mai tare simtita. Azi sunt 20 de grade si poti sta in tricou maine ninge si e un frig de trebuie sa porti izmene. Lucrurile acestea nu sunt firesti. E o problema foarte mare pe care multi dintre noi nu o bagam in seama si foarte rau facem. E rau pentru ca daca noi nu o sa simtim efectele atunci urmasii nostri cu siguranta. E timpul sa facem ceva serios altfel nu o sa mai avem iarna, doar asa o perioada cand se face umpic frig si atat.

    +20° – Grecii isi iau o bluza (daca gasesc).
    +15° – Hawaiieni pornesc caloriferele (daca au).
    +10° – Americanii tremura, Rusii planteaza castraveti.
    +5° – Poti sa iti vezi propria rasuflare. Masinile italiene nu mai pornesc. Norvegienii fac o baie. Rusii conduc cu geamurile deschise.
    0° – Apa ingheata in America, in Rusia se formeaza o pojghita.
    -5° – Masinile frantuzesti nu mai pornesc.
    -10° – Tu iti planuiesti o vacanta in Australia.
    -15° – Pisica ta insista sa doarma la tine in pat. Norvegienii isi iau o bluza.
    -18° – Cei din New York pornesc caloriferele. Rusii fac ultimul picnic de sezon.
    -20° – Masinile americane nu mai pornesc. Oamenii din Alaska incep sa poarte bluze cu maneca lunga.
    -25° – Masinile nemtesti nu mai pornesc. Hawaienii sunt morti.
    -30° – Politicienii incep sa vorbeasca despre oamenii fara locuinta. Pisica ta prefera sa doarma in pijamalele tale.
    -35° – Prea rece ca sa gandesti. Masinile japoneze nu mai pornesc.
    -40° – Planuiesti o baie calda de 2 saptamani. Masinile suedeze nu mai pornesc.
    -42° – Transportul se opreste in Europa. Rusii mananca inghetata pe strada.
    -45° – Toti grecii sunt morti. Politicienii chiar incep sa faca ceva pentru oamenii fara casa.
    -50° – Pleoapele incep sa ti se lipeasca cand clipesti. In Alaska, oamenii inchid geamul de la baie.
    -60° – Ursii albi incep sa emigreze spre sud.
    -70° – Ingheata iadul.
    -73° – Serviciile speciale evacueaza casa lui Mos Craciun din Laponia. Rusii poarta caciuli pe urechi.
    -80° – Avocatii isi baga mainile la ei in buzunare.
    -114° – Alcolul etilic ingheata. Rusii sunt suparati.
    -273° – Absolut zero, miscarea atomica se opreste. Rusii poarta bocanci.
    -295° – 90% din planeta e moarta. Echipa de fotbal a Rusiei castiga Campionatul mondial de fotbal.

  4. Are my testicles black?

    martie 13, 2008 by Andrei Sălăgean

         A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-hour, surgical procedure.
         A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
         „Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. „Are my testicles black?”
         Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, „I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.
         He struggles to ask again, „Nurse, are my testicles black?”
         Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, „There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!”
         The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, „Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely……A r e – m y – t e s t s – r e s u l t s – b a c k?”

  5. Omu cu pisica

    martie 12, 2008 by Andrei Sălăgean

    A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
    As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
    The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
    Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
    He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
    Hours later the man calls home to his wife: „Jen, is the cat there?”
    „Yes,” the wife answers, „why do you ask?”
    Frustrated, the man answered, „Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I’m lost! and need directions!”