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Last Child Support Payment
august 3, 2008 by Andrei Sălăgean
Today my baby girl’s 18th birthday… I be so glad that this be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those dang payments!
So I calls my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get there, I told her, „Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma’s house and tell her this be the last check she EVER be gettin’
from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the ‘expression on yo mama’s face.
So, my baby girl takes the check over to her momma. I be anxious to hear what she say, and bout the ‘expression on her face. Baby girl walk through the door… I say, „Now what yo momma say ‘bout that?”
She say to tell you that „you ain’t my daddy” .and watch the ‘expression on yo face!”
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Shoe Spit
august 1, 2008 by Andrei Sălăgean
Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.
The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”
“No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”
Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.
As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked.
“This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? The spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”
Categories: la grămadă, very funny | No Comments
If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines…
iulie 28, 2008 by Andrei Sălăgean
UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.
Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on…
Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don’t need to know, don’t want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.
Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.
Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.
Windows XP Air
You turn up at the airport,which is under contract to only allow XP Air planes. All the aircraft are identical, brightly coloured and three times as big as they need to be. The signs are huge and all point the same way. Whichever way you go, someone pops up dressed in a cloak and pointed hat insisting you follow him. Your luggage and clothes are taken off you and replaced with an XP Air suit and suitcase identical to everyone around you as this is included in the exorbitant ticket cost. The aircraft will not take off until you have signed a contract. The inflight entertainment promised turns out to be the same Mickey Mouse cartoon repeated over and over again. You have to phone your travel agent before you can have a meal or drink. You are searched regularly throughout the flight. If you go to the toilet twice or more you get charged for a new ticket. No matter what destination you booked you will always end up crash landing at Whistler in Canada.
OSX Air:
You enter a white terminal, and all you can see is a woman sitting in the corner behind a white desk, you walk up to get your ticket. She smiles and says „Welcome to OS X Air, please allow us to take your picture”, at which point a camera in the wall you didn’t notice before takes your picture. „Thank you, here is your ticket” You are handed a minimalistic ticket with your picture at the top, it already has all of your information. A door opens to your right and you walk through. You enter a wide open space with one seat in the middle, you sit, listen to music and watch movies until the end of the flight. You never see any of the other passengers. You land, get off, and you say to yourself „wow, that was really nice, but I feel like something was missing”
Windows Vista Airlines:
You enter a good looking terminal with the largest planes you have ever seen. Every 10 feet a security officer appears and asks you if you are „sure” you want to continue walking to your plane and if you would like to cancel. Not sure what cancel would do, you continue walking and ask the agent at the desk why the planes are so big. After the security officer making sure you want to ask the question and you want to hear the answer, the agent replies that they are bigger because it makes customers feel better, but the planes are designed to fly twice as slow. Adding the size helped achieve the slow fly goal.
Once on the plane, every passenger has to be asked individually by the flight attendants if they are sure they want to take this flight. Then it is company policy that the captain asks the passengers collectively the same thing. After answering yes to so many questions, you are punched in the face by some stranger who when he asked „Are you sure you want me to punch you in the face? Cancel or Allow?” you instinctively say „Allow”.
After takeoff, the pilots realize that the landing gear driver wasn’t updated to work with the new plane. Therefore it is always stuck in the down position. This forces the plane to fly even slower, but the pilots are used to it and continue to fly the planes, hoping that soon the landing gear manufacturer will give out a landing gear driver update.
You arrive at your destination wishing you had used your reward miles with XP airlines rather than trying out this new carrier. A close friend, after hearing your story, mentions that Linux Air is a much better alternative and helps.
Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself.
When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, „You had to do what with the seat?”
Categories: IT, very funny | No Comments
Cand esti rupt de beat, manga, muci, puscat sau crita
iulie 27, 2008 by Andrei Sălăgean

Categories: Hmmm..., Poze, very funny | No Comments
Texte din binecunoscutul folclor romanesc
iulie 24, 2008 by Andrei Sălăgean
1.Ciocolata Veronica,
Face mica gaurica.
2.Face mica gaurica,
Nu mai intra nici furnica.
3.Ciocolata Postavaru,
Face p**a ca si paru’.
4.Tineti minte trei cuvinte:
P**a, paru’, Postavaru.
5.Cicolata Nicoleta,
Face p**a ca racheta.
6.Alifia Cleopatra,
Face sânii ca si piatra.
7.Tineti minte trei cuvinte:
Sânii, piatra, Cleopatra.
8.Vreti sa cuceriti femeia,
Folositi sapunul Cheia.
9.Soarele si tenisul,
Va-ntareste penisul.
10.Moarte sigura cu cobra,
Dar mai sigura cu Mobra.
11.Motocicleta Carpati,
Stati în cur si reparati.
12.Ciocolata Pitic,
Va face voinic.
13.Vinul rosu de Segarcea,
Face p***a harcea-parcea.
14.Nu mai fumati tigari Kent,
Ca va lasa impotent.
15.Vreti sa deveniti barbati,
Fumati doar tigari Carpati.
16.Sifilisul de Constanta,
Face tenul ca faianta.
17.Pâna si-mparatul Nero,
Se spala la cur cu Dero.
18.Curvele si atletismul,
Va calesc („caleste”) organismul.
19.Opriti dricul,
Mortul vrea sa bea un Cico.
Un Cico dac-ar bea,
Mortu’ poate-ar învia.
20.Ciocolata Laura,
Va largeste gaura.
21.Sapunul Duru,
Face fata precum curul.
22.Numai cu sapunul Duru, Duru, Duru,
Ceam mai buna p***a-i curu…
23.Varianta:
Haida Duru, Duru, Duru,
Ceam mai buna p***a-i curu…
24.Daca bei un Saprosan,
N-o sa te mai caci un an.
Mai sunt…pana la 43. Da click pentru restu
25.Daca bei Tuica de pruna,
Orice-baba-ti pare buna.
26.Daca bei tuica întoarsa,
P**a-ti va fi noduroasa.
27.Daca bei tuica întoarsa,
P**a-ti va fi mai vânoasa.
28.Si Muscatul Otonel,
Face p**a de otel.
29.Vinul rosu de Jidvei,
Scoala p**a când nu vrei.
30.Vinul rosu de Vaslui,
Face p**a ca un cui.
31.Vinul dulce de Cotnari,
Va transforma-n armasari.
32.Dulceata verde de nuci,
Pune p***a pe butuci.
33.Tot dulceata verde de nuci,
Va transforma-n eunuci.
34.Produsele firmei Knorr,
Va fac din om tractor.
35.Tineti minte trei cuvinte:
Omul, Knorru’ si tractoru.
36.Inseticidul Kuki,
Ia si pielea si paduchii.
37.Infuzia cu flori de tei,
Va va scapa de latei.
38.Sutienul de Cluj-Napoca,
Face tâta ca si roca.
39.Din caminul de chimie,
O sa iei blenoragie.
40.În caminul medicinii,
Te poti f**e cu strainii.
41.În camin la medicina,
Nici o fata nu-i virgina.
42.Daca mergi la medicina,
Sa-ti iei si-o penicilina.
43.Ce-i Kite-Kat pentru mâte,
E sutienul pentru tâte.
Tin sa precizez ca acest material a fost copiat de pe alt site :|. Felicitari pentru autor !!!

Categories: Hmmm..., very funny | No Comments