iunie, 2008

  1. Catre stafful vorbitor de limba romana de la o firma din SUA

    iunie 30, 2008 by Andrei Sălăgean

    To: All Romanian Speaking Staff
    Subject: Improper Language Usage

    It has been brought to our attention by several officials visiting our
    office in Romania that offensive language is commonly used by our
    Romanian speaking staff. Such behavior, in addition to violating our
    policy, is highly unprofessional and offensive to both visitors and
    staff. All personnel will immediately adhere to the following rules:
    1.. Words like f*tu-i, în p*la mea, p*la and other such expressions
    will not be tolerated or used for emphasis or dramatic effect, no
    matter how heated a discussion may become.
    2.. You will not say si-a bagat p*la when someone makes a mistake,
    or s-a c*cat pe el if you see someone being reprehended, or baga-mi-as, when a major mistake has been made. All forms and derivations of the verb a se c*ca and a se f*te are utterly inappropriate and unacceptable in our environment.
    3.. No project manager, section head or administrator under any
    circumstances will be referred to as p*la de om, c*canaru’ or boul.
    4.. Lack of determination will not be referred to as p*lalau nor will persons who lack initiative be referred to as m*iangiu.
    5.. Unusual or creative ideas offered by management are not to be
    referred to as porcarii.
    6.. Do not say f*tu-ti pe ma-ta if somebody is persistent; do not add p*la
    mea, if a colleague is going through a difficult situation. Furthermore,
    you must not say am pus-o (refer to item 2) nor o sa ne-o traga when a
    matter becomes excessively complicated.
    7.. When asking someone to leave you alone, you must not say du-te-n
    p*la mea nor should you ever substitute „May I help you?” with, ce p*la mea vrei?.
    8.. Under no circumstances should you ever call your elderly industrial
    partners bosorogi împutiti.
    9.. Do not say ia mai mereti-n p*la cu c*catu’ asta when a relevant
    project is presented to you, nor should you ever answer f*tu-te-n cur
    when your assistance is required.
    10.. You should never call partner representatives as boul dracului or
    tâmpitu’ ala.
    11.. The sexual behavior of our staff is not to be discussed in terms
    such as p*zdulica buna, f*taciosu’ or homalau’ lu’ peste.
    12.. Last but not least, after reading this note, please do not say ma
    sterg la cur cu textul asta.

    Just keep it clean and dispose of it properly.
    Thank you.

  2. O zi…obisnuita

    iunie 30, 2008 by Andrei Sălăgean

    O zi de examen oarecare din viata unui student la Politehnica. Examen la o materie nerelevanta. Sa zicem… „Materiale”. Mai pe intelesul tuturor, echivalentul unui curs de „Managementul fostelor ceapeuri” la ASE , „Cultura plantei de iasomie” la Agronomie sau „Doctrine staliniste” la SNSPA.

    Ora 6:00 – Trezirea, constientizarea situatiei critice „zi de examen”. Palpitatii, gaze stomacale, etc…

    Ora 6:15 – Pregatirea mapei: cursul (carte+foi xeroxate), rezumate schematizate, servite + eventuale copiute. (ca si cand ai voie cu toata biblioteca pe banca)

    Ora 6:30 – Realizarea inutilitatii mapei „stufoase” la examenul respectiv. Reorganizarea mapei: 3 coli A4 + pix.

    Ora 6:40 – Plecarea conform orarului pentru a prinde „loc bun, first class”

    Ora 7:15 – Intrarea in sala de examen, ocuparea unui „loc prost, first desk”. Locurile bune se terminasera deja de la ora 5:00. …Excentrici…

    Ora 8:00 – Intrarea profesorului in sala de examen. Intrarea supraveghetorilor in sala de examen (primele reactii ale studentilor: Sugestii la adresa rudelor apropiate ale upraveghetorilor: mame, fii, fiice, neam, etc)

    Ora 8:01:00 – Anuntarea subiectelor….

    Ora 8:01:30 – Reactii la aflarea subiectelor ( <>)

    Ora 8:02 – <>

    Ora 8:03 – <>

    Ora 8:30 – Planul de calamitate A: Scriere in afara subiectului.

    Ora 8:31 – Terminat de scris.

    Ora 8:32 – Planul de calamitate B: auto-incurajarea (<>)

    Ora 10:00 – Epuizarea timpului de alocat examenului. Predarea foilor, zambitor catre profesor. Iesirea din sala. Ciudat, insa intrebarile gen <> sunt insotite de raspunsuri strans legate de organe de reproducere.

    Ora 11:30 – Reintoarcerea in sala pentru corectarea tezei. (De)punctare corecta, cu argumente si explicatii ale profesorului extrem de bine intemeiate: <>

    Ora 11:31 – Cuvinte de ramas bun colegilor, incurajari, si traditionalul <>

    Ora 13:00 – Acasa… Yahoo Messenger…. status adecvat situatiei. Invisible pentru dobitocii cu intrebari stupide.

    Ora 14:00 – Somnul de frumusete…
    …noi sa fim sanatosi..

  3. The fastest thing

    iunie 30, 2008 by Andrei Sălăgean

    An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

    The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, „what is the fastest thing you know of?” Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, „A thought. It just pops into your head. There’s no warning that it’s on the way, it’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.”

    „That’s very good,” replied the interviewer. „And, now you, sir,” he asked the second man.

    „Hmmm . . . Let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.

    „Excellent!” said the interviewer. „The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliche’ for speed.”

    He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply,

    „Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.”

    The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. „It’s hard to beat the speed of light,” he said.

    Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

    Old Bubba replied, „after hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea.”

    „What?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

    „Oh sure,” said old Bubba. „You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had already crapped in my pants.”

    Bubba got the job.

  4. Doriti sa luati cuvantul?

    iunie 29, 2008 by Andrei Sălăgean

  5. Piercing

    iunie 29, 2008 by Andrei Sălăgean