July 30, 2008 by Andrei Sălăgean
July 28, 2008 by Andrei Sălăgean
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on…
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don’t need to know, don’t want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.
The terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.
Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.
Windows XP Air
You turn up at the airport,which is under contract to only allow XP Air planes. All the aircraft are identical, brightly coloured and three times as big as they need to be. The signs are huge and all point the same way. Whichever way you go, someone pops up dressed in a cloak and pointed hat insisting you follow him. Your luggage and clothes are taken off you and replaced with an XP Air suit and suitcase identical to everyone around you as this is included in the exorbitant ticket cost. The aircraft will not take off until you have signed a contract. The inflight entertainment promised turns out to be the same Mickey Mouse cartoon repeated over and over again. You have to phone your travel agent before you can have a meal or drink. You are searched regularly throughout the flight. If you go to the toilet twice or more you get charged for a new ticket. No matter what destination you booked you will always end up crash landing at Whistler in Canada.
You enter a white terminal, and all you can see is a woman sitting in the corner behind a white desk, you walk up to get your ticket. She smiles and says “Welcome to OS X Air, please allow us to take your picture”, at which point a camera in the wall you didn’t notice before takes your picture. “Thank you, here is your ticket” You are handed a minimalistic ticket with your picture at the top, it already has all of your information. A door opens to your right and you walk through. You enter a wide open space with one seat in the middle, you sit, listen to music and watch movies until the end of the flight. You never see any of the other passengers. You land, get off, and you say to yourself “wow, that was really nice, but I feel like something was missing”
Windows Vista Airlines:
You enter a good looking terminal with the largest planes you have ever seen. Every 10 feet a security officer appears and asks you if you are “sure” you want to continue walking to your plane and if you would like to cancel. Not sure what cancel would do, you continue walking and ask the agent at the desk why the planes are so big. After the security officer making sure you want to ask the question and you want to hear the answer, the agent replies that they are bigger because it makes customers feel better, but the planes are designed to fly twice as slow. Adding the size helped achieve the slow fly goal.
Once on the plane, every passenger has to be asked individually by the flight attendants if they are sure they want to take this flight. Then it is company policy that the captain asks the passengers collectively the same thing. After answering yes to so many questions, you are punched in the face by some stranger who when he asked “Are you sure you want me to punch you in the face? Cancel or Allow?” you instinctively say “Allow”.
After takeoff, the pilots realize that the landing gear driver wasn’t updated to work with the new plane. Therefore it is always stuck in the down position. This forces the plane to fly even slower, but the pilots are used to it and continue to fly the planes, hoping that soon the landing gear manufacturer will give out a landing gear driver update.
You arrive at your destination wishing you had used your reward miles with XP airlines rather than trying out this new carrier. A close friend, after hearing your story, mentions that Linux Air is a much better alternative and helps.
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself.
When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, “You had to do what with the seat?”
July 27, 2008 by Andrei Sălăgean
July 24, 2008 by Andrei Sălăgean
Face mica gaurica.
2.Face mica gaurica,
Nu mai intra nici furnica.
Face p**a ca si paru’.
4.Tineti minte trei cuvinte:
P**a, paru’, Postavaru.
Face p**a ca racheta.
Face sânii ca si piatra.
7.Tineti minte trei cuvinte:
Sânii, piatra, Cleopatra.
8.Vreti sa cuceriti femeia,
Folositi sapunul Cheia.
9.Soarele si tenisul,
10.Moarte sigura cu cobra,
Dar mai sigura cu Mobra.
Stati în cur si reparati.
Va face voinic.
13.Vinul rosu de Segarcea,
Face p***a harcea-parcea.
14.Nu mai fumati tigari Kent,
Ca va lasa impotent.
15.Vreti sa deveniti barbati,
Fumati doar tigari Carpati.
16.Sifilisul de Constanta,
Face tenul ca faianta.
17.Pâna si-mparatul Nero,
Se spala la cur cu Dero.
18.Curvele si atletismul,
Va calesc (“caleste”) organismul.
Mortul vrea sa bea un Cico.
Un Cico dac-ar bea,
Mortu’ poate-ar învia.
Va largeste gaura.
Face fata precum curul.
22.Numai cu sapunul Duru, Duru, Duru,
Ceam mai buna p***a-i curu…
Haida Duru, Duru, Duru,
Ceam mai buna p***a-i curu…
24.Daca bei un Saprosan,
N-o sa te mai caci un an.
Mai sunt…pana la 43. Da click pentru restu
25.Daca bei Tuica de pruna,
Orice-baba-ti pare buna.
26.Daca bei tuica întoarsa,
P**a-ti va fi noduroasa.
27.Daca bei tuica întoarsa,
P**a-ti va fi mai vânoasa.
28.Si Muscatul Otonel,
Face p**a de otel.
29.Vinul rosu de Jidvei,
Scoala p**a când nu vrei.
30.Vinul rosu de Vaslui,
Face p**a ca un cui.
31.Vinul dulce de Cotnari,
Va transforma-n armasari.
32.Dulceata verde de nuci,
Pune p***a pe butuci.
33.Tot dulceata verde de nuci,
Va transforma-n eunuci.
34.Produsele firmei Knorr,
Va fac din om tractor.
35.Tineti minte trei cuvinte:
Omul, Knorru’ si tractoru.
Ia si pielea si paduchii.
37.Infuzia cu flori de tei,
Va va scapa de latei.
38.Sutienul de Cluj-Napoca,
Face tâta ca si roca.
39.Din caminul de chimie,
O sa iei blenoragie.
40.În caminul medicinii,
Te poti f**e cu strainii.
41.În camin la medicina,
Nici o fata nu-i virgina.
42.Daca mergi la medicina,
Sa-ti iei si-o penicilina.
43.Ce-i Kite-Kat pentru mâte,
E sutienul pentru tâte.
Tin sa precizez ca acest material a fost copiat de pe alt site :|. Felicitari pentru autor !!!
July 22, 2008 by Andrei Sălăgean
E important de stiut de care parte va aflati. In felul acesta putem face un recensamant.
1. Cand ne chemi sa-ti mutam calculatorul, asigura-te ca l-ai lasat ingropat sub o juma’ de tona de carti postale, poze de-ale copiilor, animale impaiate, flori uscate, cornuri vechi si dosare patate cu cafea. Noi nu avem o viata personala si suntem adanc miscati cand putem trage o ocheada fugara prin viata ta.
2. Nu nota nimic. Niciodata. Putem sa redam mesajele tale de eroare de la noi.
3. Cand un informatician spune ca vine la tine, du-te bea o cafea. In felul acesta nu vei fi acolo cand vom avea nevoie de parola ta. Pentru noi, memorarea a 700 de parole de screen-saver e floare la ureche.
4. Cand ne suni, spune-ne ce doresti sa faci, nu ceea ce te impiedica sa faci acel lucru. Nu avem nevoie sa stim ca nu poti folosi programul cutare pentru ca calculatorul tau nici macar nu porneste. Sau mai bine:
cand ne suni, nu ne spune deloc de ce ne chemi la tine. La ce bun ne-ar putea folosi?
5. Cand un informatician iti trimite un mesaj foarte important, sterge-l imediat. Erau doar teste.
6. Cand un informatician e la biroul lui si mananca, intra drept inauntru si varsa-ti oful. Existam doar pentru a sluji.
7. Cand copiatorul nu functioneaza, cheama-ti informaticianul. Doar contine componente electronice !
8. Cand un informatician iti spune ca imprimantele nu au cartus in ele, sustine-ti punctul de vedere. Savuram argumentele relevante.
9. Cand un informatician iti spune ca va veni in scurt timp, raspunde cu un ton aspru:”Si cam cate luni intelegi tu prin <> ?”. Acest lucru ne motiveaza.
10. Cand imprimanta nu vrea sa tipareasca, retrimite documentul de cel putin 20 de ori. Deseori documentele dispar in gaurile negre. Daca imprimanta nu tipareste nici dupa 20 de incercari, trimite documentul la toate celelalte 68 imprimante din retea. Una din ele trebuie sa functioneze !
11. Nu invata nici un termen tehnic. Cand spui “Nu-mi merge chestia aia”, stim exact ce vrei sa spui. Daca cablul de la mouse continua sa iti dea jos poza inramata a cainelui tau, ridica calculatorul si inghesuie cablul sub el. Cablurile de mouse au fost facuta sa reziste la 20 kg.
12. Daca tasta spatiu nu mai functioneaza, arunca vina pe varianta noua de program. De fapt tastaturile savureaza foarte mult kilogramul de firimituri si de unghii dinauntru.
13. Daca primesti un mesaj care spune “Are you sure ?”, fa cat de repede poti click pe butonul Yes. La naiba, daca n-ai fi sigur, atunci nu ai face ce faci, nu ?!
14. Simte-te liber sa zici lucruri de genul “nu ma pricep la porcariile astea de calculatoare”. Nu ne suparam cand auzim ca se face referire la arealul nostru de expertiza profesionala ca fiind porcarie.
15. Cand vrei sa schimbi cartusul la imprimanta, cheama-ti informaticianul. Schimbarea unui cartus de impimanta este o sarcina extrem de complexa, si se recomanda ca ea sa fie executata doar de un
inginer licentiat in fizica nucleara.
16. Cand te intalnesti cu un informatician duminica la aprozar, intreaba-l ceva de calculatoare. Lucram si in weekend.
17. Nu nota nimic din ceea ce te invatam. Ne place sa repetam la infinit aceleasi lucruri.
18. Cand ne semnalezi ca nu ai acces in retea, jura-te ca ai introdus parola corecta. Calculatoarele o iau razna deseori.
19. In loc sa ne spui ce s-a intamplat, spune-ne doar ca “a disparut chestia aia desi n-am facut nimic”. Calculatoarele se aseamana cu Triunghiul Bermudelor, si noua ne plac misterele.”
July 21, 2008 by Andrei Sălăgean
What are caterpillars afraid of?
Why is the letter T like an island?
Because it is in the middle of waTer!
Why can’t Batman go fishing?
Because Robin eats all the worms!
Why was the broom late for breakfast?
Because he swept in!
Why did the farmer bury all his money in his fields?
He wanted rich soil!
What did one eye say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells!
What should never be eaten after its served?
A tennis ball!
What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on a head, I will just hang around!
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
What did the ghost say to the invisible man?
Long time no see!
What music do Mummies like?
What did the math book say to the history book?
Boy, do I have problems!
What did the doctor say to the man who complained he was shrinking?
You will just have to be a little patient!
What did King Kong say when he called the wrong number?
King Kong ring wrong!
How do you make seven even?
Take away the s!
What do you call a country where all the automobiles are pink?
A pink car nation!
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
They hiss and make up!
How many seconds are in a year?
Twelve: January second, February second, etc!
What kind of witch lives on the beach?
When is a car not a car?
When it turns into a driveway!
What is yours, but your friends use it more than you do?
What do skeletons use to communicate?
Why do dogs scratch themselves?
Because they are the only ones who know where it itches!
Five guys walk into a bar, why didn’t the sixth?
Why did Cinderella’s soccer team always lose?
Because her coach was a pumpkin!
Why did Cinderella’s coach sit her on the bench?
Because she ran away from the ball!
A butcher is six foot tall, wears size 14 shoes, and has a 50 inch waist. What does he weigh?
You are trapped in a room with no windows and a locked door. How do you get out?
Go through the holes where the windows used to be!
Who said: “Duh suddle cubup to borrow”?
Little Orphan Annie with a cold!
Forewards it is heavy,backwards it is not.What is it?
July 20, 2008 by Andrei Sălăgean
Glumeam doar. Oricum e foarte tare faza.
July 19, 2008 by Andrei Sălăgean
July 18, 2008 by Andrei Sălăgean
One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
“Why are you stopping darling?” she whispered.
He whispered back, “I found the remote.”
July 17, 2008 by Andrei Sălăgean